Am I a poser?

Why am I doing this? You can't sign up for an Ironman, devote a year of your life, and not ask yourself this a million times. We're going on almost three years of not being able to get pregnant, and I think this was an absolute fantastic reason to do something crazy, build our marriage, and give us something else to obsess about. (And it completely fulfilled those things! Our marriage is the strongest it has ever been.) Only, I wasn't supposed to be doing this race. I thought for sure that if I signed up, got my heart set on it, I would get pregnant and not be able to compete. We figured either way it would be a win-win for us. We SIGNED UP for good reasons.

But the day is almost here. I'm not pregnant, and Ironman is now less than three weeks away. I have a 3.5 hour jog tomorrow, and then the taper begins. I need to have good reasons to FINISH this race. When I don't want to do lap 2 of the swim, and my butt is hurting on the bike, and my legs just don't want to move another inch and it's only mile 8, let alone what they'll feel like at mile 20, I need to have good reasons for finishing.

I found a quote in an article about the Chicago Marathon that gave me a little punch in the gut--it rang true with me, and in the grand scheme of all that is right in the world, I can't tell if it's a good thing, or a bad thing.

(Off-topic sidenote story: I finally got to speak with a friend that was AT the Chicago Marathon last week. She said it WAS bad. And she wouldn't point the finger at one thing in general. She said the heat was brutal. She said the people struggling, in her opinion, were mostly first-timers. The race ran low on water and they just didn't have the services to help all the people that needed help. She said it was mostly just a scary, eery feeling hearing ambulances non-stop the last few miles. She felt the directors made a good decision when they called it.) Anyways, back to the article. The gist of the article was that 45,000 people is too many people to be able to run a quality race. But... 45,000 people sure can bring in a lot of tourist dollars. Lots of interesting conversations you could have on the subject, but here is the quote that punches me in the gut for some strange reason:

"Today, the marathon has become the everyday man's or woman's Mount Everest," said Richard Finn, the spokesman for the New York Road Runners, which organizes the New York City Marathon. "It's a physical challenge, it's something you can be proud of - beat your chest about later."

Bottom line, at this point in the game, that's exactly where I fit in. This race is now a Mt. Everest for me. When it comes right down to it, I won't know until the I near the finish line if I'm gonna cross the finish line or not. If I do cross the finish line, I'm gonna be VERY proud of myself. I will want to beat my chest over it, forever!

Here's what I'm dealing with today. I'm questioning whether or not I'm a poser in this game. Sharon said that many of the people struggling at the Chicago Marathon were first timers. I'll be THAT person at Ironman. Gosh I sure hope I don't put anybody or anything into jeopardy because I'm slow and sometimes a wuss. I've read blogs where people say, "You have to LOVE triathlon if you want to do an Ironman." Do I LOVE it? Sometimes. Do I eat, breath, sleep it? No. (Although if you looked at my non-existent social life and dirty house, you'd think I did.)

The weather today was cold and gray. Not typical Colorado weather. I HAD to go for a long bike ride. I saw several other cyclists and I just looked at them wondering, "I HAVE to do this. Why the heck are you out here on this cold and dreary day?" I uttered and I really do mean it, "Next year, when I don't want to ride my bike on a cold and yucky mid-October day, I'm not going to!!!"

Now what kind of piss poor attitude is that for a wanna-be Ironman? The other cyclists that I saw today probably LOVE cycling. I can't wait for the day that I don't have to ride my bike? Huh?

Why do I want to complete my own personal Mt. Everest? Why do we humans do this? (Okay some humans, not all--I have relatives and coworkers that don't see the point.) I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've already been thinking, "What can I do next?" Ironman isn't a lifestyle for me. It has some great perks, but it's not always a "fun" lifestyle. It's an Everest. Does that make me a poser? What exactly does it mean to be an Ironman?

I don't know. I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't change the fact that I hope to put it all out there and know that no matter how it ends, I gave it everything I had. (And then hopefully beat my chest!!!!!!!) So many questions, so many self-doubts.

Don't even get me started on all the "Did I really do all that I could do to prepare for this?" questions that I'm asking myself right now.